Super Happy FunTime Xtreme
by Infinity Plus One
Summary: Greetings, happy audience people! Adepts have no chance to survive watch them make their time in super fun Japanese gameshow with prizes of happy!
1. Chapter 1

Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!!!

"There's nothing good on TV," complained Saturos, his glazed-over eyes barely noticing the endless parade of talking heads crossing the screen. "Ninety-nine channels, and it's all either C-SPAN or infomercials. Karst, pass me the chips."

Karst sighed. "This _is_ Hell, you know. It's not like they're obliged to provide quality service." She handed him a bowl filled with greasy slivers of what may at one point have been potatoes. "Careful, these have ground glass in them."

As Saturos ate a handful of chips anyway and began to bleed from the mouth, Menardi absentmindedly began flipping through the channels. "C-SPAN 3… male enhancement pills… C-SPAN 12… automatic banana peelers… Best of C-SPAN… portable terrorist detectors…"

She changed the channel once more, and all four of them gaped in awe. "No way…" said Agatio, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. To be fair, it's hard to be comfortable on a couch made from thousands of pestilent locusts. "Those are…"

"I recognize those guys," said Saturos, although his badly-lacerated tongue made it hard to understand him. "Those are the little punks who…"

"…killed us," finished Menardi. "What are they doing on TV?" She stared harder at the show, and gradually noticed the subtitles. "Didn't know we got Japanese channels here. It looks like some sort of game show."

"Might be worth watching," said Karst. "There's always a chance that they'll die horribly. And that Felix… Mmm."

"Duskshipping is fail," said Agatio, pulling a handful of locusts off the couch and flinging them at Karst. The insects missed their intended target and flew towards Saturos's bowl of chips, which they devoured in seconds.

"Asshole," snarled Saturos.

"Can we please just watch?" asked Menardi. "This kind of show is usually pretty sadistic. Who knows what will happen on…"

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME!!!-

The camera panned across the audience and up to a stage, where a grey-haired man stood behind a podium. Next to him were two teams of four Adepts each, which the subtitles identified as the Make Sexy Fun Team and the Spirit Dragon Fang Team. Judging by their uniforms, which were red and blue, it made much more sense to simply call them the red team and the blue team.

"Now our host, wise old man who study alchemy and be spoke-man for drug pill which give old man ability to pleasure old woman with groin solid as Mt. Fuji, introduce two teams," said the subtitles. "Each team consist four members. Team who complete task first win round, other team vote player off. If player die during task we all have super happy fun laugh. Team that survive until end win iPod which have capability of play naughty video."

"Thank you," said Kraden, who obviously didn't understand Japanese. "It is my pleasure to host this game of Super Happy Fun-Time Xtreme, Japan's only game show which is statistically more deadly than vacationing in Sudan. Due to legal liabilities, the host cannot openly root for players to die, but I can say that most of these punks have had it coming for a while. So I'd like you to join us in welcoming our contestants. On the red team, we have…"

"Isaac of Vale, world-renowned hero, master swordsman, and sufferer from chronic disorders of the vocal cords!" Isaac bowed and waved, but could only say '…' and smile.

"Mia of Imil, skilled healer and five-time winner of the Miss Weyard wet T-shirt contest!" Mia smiled and lifted her shirt, much to the delight of the crowd. Sadly, noticed the television viewers, the censors had superimposed happy faces over her chest.

"Jenna of Vale, noted feminist author and adult-film actress!" The audience, disappointed by her radically-leftist books and poor-quality films, booed, to which Jenna extended a single finger. Unfortunately, this was also blurred by the censors.

"And finally, Garet of Vale, recreational-substance enthusiast and convicted felon!" Garet waved to the audience and discreetly took a few sips from a flask of vodka he kept at his waist. He'd never have appeared on this show sober. Come to think of it, he rarely did anything sober.

"On the blue team, we have Piers of Lemuria, master mariner and known pedophile!" His gaze turned to Sheba, and he turned bright red. Ever since that picture had been published in the tabloids, he'd been a social pariah. Love was love, wasn't it? Even if one partner was fourteen and the other one hundred and fourteen? The crowd laughed and jeered.

"Ivan of Kalay, scrawny mind-reading weakling of ambiguous sexuality!" Ivan shot a dirty look at Kraden, but a few seconds of rubbing Piers's leg calmed him down. It always calmed him down.

"Sheba of Anemos, generic mysterious girl and serious jailbait!" Sheba imitated Mia and pulled up her shirt, causing several in the audience to commit hara-kiri out of shame.

"And finally, Felix of Vale, wrist-cutting emo and angst-ridden loser!" Felix pulled out a razor blade and sliced the back of his hand, a single tear rolling down his face.

"Now that we've met our contestants, I'd like to explain the rules of the game," said Kraden. "There will be up to seven rounds, and in each round the teams must complete a task. The team who completes the task first wins immunity as well as a neat prize, while the team that loses must choose one member to vote off – assuming no member of their team has died during that round. The voted-off contestants are sent to the wonderful vacation resort of Iraqistan, where they enjoy sand, sun, and terrorist suicide-bombings! Whichever team is eliminated first loses!"

"All this for an iPod?" asked Jenna. "It better be able to play some pretty hot porn."

"…" replied Isaac.

"We'll be right back with the first round," announced Kraden. "But first, a word from our sponsors."

-SUPER HAPPY COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!-

"I'm going to get some new chips," said Saturos, swatting away the locusts. "Yell for me when the show's back on."

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

"…if order now, you also get free pair of used schoolgirl panties! Only 10,000 yen plus handle and ship cost! Buy now or your life miserable!" screeched a high-pitched voice on TV. 

"Sounds like I missed a great commercial," said Saturos, returning with a bag of chips. "I had to kick the vending machine harder this time."

"Yum… cyanide and mustard gas flavor," said Menardi, reading the label. "I'm going to file a formal complaint about the food here."

"Will you two shut up?" asked Agatio, tossing more locusts at them. "The show's back on."

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!!!-

"Remind me again why we're on this show," said Piers, teriyaki sauce dripping down his prairie dog costume. "And if you say for the iPod, I'll cut you."

"Please do," replied Felix, adjusting the steak strapped to his head. "Anything to feel again."

"Welcome back, viewers!" announced Kraden from a tall platform in the center of the arena. Holes dotted the ground, each one leading to a subterranean chamber where the contestants waited. Kraden's voice was lost amongst the roars from a cage at the north end of the arena.

The announcer's voice was dubbed over Kraden's in Japanese. "For first round, we make happy fun time with Siberian tigers!" said the subtitles. "Contestants dressed as prairie dogs, marinated, and meat stuck to! From underground, pop up into arena containing tiger who not have been fed for week! Teams must work together to grab flag from center and return to base!"

Isaac gazed up through the hole. He quickly formulated several plans in his head, complex tactical maneuvers to distract the tigers while a teammate grabbed the flag. He turned to his teammates and began pantomiming his strategies. He held two fingers up in the air.

"The letter V," guessed Garet. Isaac shook his head. "Um… two words." Isaac nodded, then started spasming on the floor. "Sounds like epileptic?" Isaac shook his head again. "Epilepsy? Seizure? Strobe light?"

"We need Ivan," sighed Mia. "I'll take mind-reading over charades any day."

"No woman needs a man, Mia!" exclaimed Jenna. "You have to liberate yourself from the patriarchy! Be a free woman. Embrace your gender!"

"Balloon?" asked Garet, frantically trying to interpret Isaac's next mimed action. But the voice of the announcer cut them off as the clock began and the tigers were released…

Piers leapt out of the hole and rushed right for the flag, with Ivan trailing behind him. It'd be a simple matter to grab it, right? He saw three large Siberian tigers towards the north end of the arena, but he could just pop into a hole when they came near him…

"Damnit, Jenna…" said Garet as he stumbled towards the center of the arena. She and Mia had stayed behind in the base hole discussion women's liberation. Isaac followed him, still trying to communicate his strategies. He'd somehow acquired a small chalkboard and was diagramming football plays. So far Garet wasn't getting it. By the way he walked, Isaac guessed he was currently stoned on something.

The tigers closed in on Piers and Ivan, and the two of them ducked into a hole. "Mmm… Piers. It's so cozy in here, don't you think?" asked Ivan. "Owww… why'd you smack me? Am I being a naughty boy?"

Sheba saw the tigers clustering around the hole, just waiting for Piers and Ivan to pop out. She leapt out from her hiding spot and started yelling to the tigers to distract them. "Here, kitty kitty! Here I am, all plump and juicy!" The tigers briefly glanced at her, chuckled slightly, and returned to waiting for Piers and Ivan. Not for the first time in her life, Sheba felt unwanted. "Hey! Come eat me, damnit! Am I not good enough for you? Not meaty enough? Am I? Huh? Am-"

Sheba was cut off in mid-sentence as a tiger leapt on her from behind and messily devoured her.

"NOOO!" cried Piers.

"Yessss!" cried Ivan.

"Hallelujah," said Menardi to the TV. "Do you know how many times that dumb chick needed to stop to pee while we were climbing the lighthouse?!"

He was almost to the flag, Isaac had ditched Garet about fifty meters back, abandoning his near-catatonic friend inside a hole. There it was…

The tigers sitting around Piers' hole, startled by the appearance of the new prey, rushed towards Isaac, who quickly ducked into a hole, leaving Piers and Ivan free to grab the flag…

There it was. Right in front of him. Piers leapt into the air and grabbed it, then quickly ducked back into the hole… nearly crushing Ivan. "Oh… you like it on top, do you? That's okay, I don't mind."

"Ivan! Move your ass into the corner! I'm still sticking out of the hole!" yelled Piers.

"But if my ass is in the corner, you can't-" replied Ivan. The tigers, noticing Piers' exposed upper body, proceeded to tear his left arm off, taking the flag with it. Isaac reached out of his hole, grabbed the flag from the dismembered arm, and ran back towards base.

As Piers and Ivan crowded into the hole, Isaac reached his team's base, where Mia and Jenna were arguing over whether exposing one's breasts in public was the free expression of a liberated woman or pandering to the lusts of a male-dominated society. A loud gong went off as the round ended and the tigers were herded back into their cages.

"And Make Sexy Fun Team wins first round!" yelled the announcer as the crowd went wild. "As prize they receive free copy of popular videogame Golden Sun Lost Age!"

"But we-" complained Garet before Isaac cut him off.

"Now we take commercial break while pick up bloody clothing that remain of blond girl and ship to next of kin! Stay tune for next round of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!"

-SUPER HAPPY COMMERCIAL BREAK!-

"Hey, this show's pretty good so far," said Saturos. "It's a shame about Sheba, though."

"You a pedo or something?" asked Agatio.

"Yup," replied Saturos unflinchingly. He stared at the slow-motion replay of Sheba's demise. "Nice ass on that one. Hope she ends up here. Menardi, did she commit any mortal sins?"

"Uh… not that I know of," she replied. "Keep dreaming, pervert."

Saturos sighed. "Whatever. I'm gonna go check the new arrivals anyway." He stood up.

"Bring back some more chips while you're at it," yelled Menardi at his receding figure. "These ones are stale."

…

"And they suspect nothing yet?" asked the shadowy figure in a strange Italian accent. Kraden wondered what was the purpose of the videoconference if he couldn't even see who he was talking to. But it didn't particularly matter…

"No," he replied. "They are unaware. Did you inform the audience?"

"Not yet. It will only heighten the tension when the truth is revealed in the endgame…"

"Excellent. I trust that you have my payment ready?"

"It will be released once the show has ended."

"Thank you."

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

"Look what I brought back!" laughed Saturos joyously. A very confused Sheba followed him into the room. "Told ya she'd end up here!" 

"How'd the punk end up here?" asked Agatio. "I coulda sworn kids were too innocent to go to Hell."

"I… er, subscribed to Verizon Wireless," said Sheba guiltily. "Didn't know there was an Eleventh Commandment… particularly one about cellphones. So, wait, are we stuck here eternally?"

Menardi reached into her pocket and read her orientation pamphlet. "Says here that we'll remain in Hell until the 'day of judgment', at which point we can hire a lawyer and appeal our case. Shame I don't know any good lawyers."

"This is Hell, after all," pointed out Karst. "We've got an endless selection of 'em to choose from down here."

"Good point…" sighed Menardi. The group was silent for a while as the television displayed the comical figure of a man shrieking at the top of his lungs about space-age underwear which could be worn for six full days. "Hey, I think that was the last commercial. Show's back on."

Sheba sat down on the couch next to Agatio, trying to stay the hell away from Saturos's creepy gaze. "Ow! Locusts! My bum!"

"Mmm… bum," whispered Saturos to himself.

"Shut up, both of you," said Menardi. "I wanna watch Felix die next."

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!!!-

"This makes no sense…" complained Ivan. "Bees don't typically explode, do they, Piers?"

The Lemurian was too wracked by sobs to answer. Ever since the loss of his beloved Sheba, he'd been crying almost nonstop. Felix, recognizing a kindred emo spirit, was apparently giving him lessons on self-mutilation. Sadly, he now only had one wrist to cut.

"Welcome back to Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!" cried Kraden. "For the second round, we'll be challenging the contestants' aim as well as their lung capacity and dexterity." The camera panned to the two teams, who stood atop an immense ramp dressed in roughly spherical bumblebee costumes. "Each of these costumes contains copious amounts of plastic explosives! When the round begins, the wick attached to the explosives will be lit. Each contestant must roll down the hill, off the jump, and into that tank of water." Viewers broke out in laughter at the absurdly small tank, barely large enough to fit three exploding bumblebees. "Sadly, the costumes are weighed down with lead! At the bottom of the tank, there are several keys which unlock the costume. Anyone who does not drown or get blown to bits makes it to the next round!"

"I hate you, Isaac," said Garet, taking a big swig of 'liquid courage.' "Why'd you have to sign us up for this show, anyway?"

"What, you want to become a D-list celebrity?" asked Isaac. "Trust me, everyone but the hardcore nerds have forgotten our games exist. This is our last chance at fame."

"Round is begin!" cried the announcer. "Bees, prepare for super happy fire!" Several concealed flamethrowers mounted under the stage activated, missing every single wick and accidentally detonating Mia's costume. Screaming, she was hurled through the air and into the audience. "Uh… we make oops! Let attendants try use fire!" Several attendants walked onto the stage and lit the wicks with handheld flamethrowers. "Ready, set, happy fun roll!"

The laughter of the audience mingled with the cries of horror from the Adepts as they rolled down the slope, vying for the middle of the ramp. If they missed the pool of water…

"Isaac! Let me take the center!" yelled Jenna. "Isn't the life of a progressive woman such as myself more valuable than that of an anachronistic sexist troglodyte like you?" Isaac frantically tried to pantomime something back, but the only part Jenna understood was the raised middle finger. His bee costume barreled into hers, knocking her off the side of the ramp and off-camera.

Grinning, Ivan grabbed hold of Piers' bee costume. He'd never done it in a pool before. This would be fun. Sadly, two spheres stuck together aren't the optimal arrangement for rolling down a hill. Piers and Ivan lost their momentum…

He wasn't going to make it. Just like everything else in life, he had failed, and would now suffer intolerable pain as his fair punishment. Felix sighed as he rolled right past the jump, off the end of the ramp, and came to a stop next to the tank. He thought of the blood that would flow from him when he exploded. Yes… blood… Damnit, his wick had been put out. Felix had been cheated of sweet death once more, just like when Jenna had taken away his razor blades. Curses… another day, another disappointment…

Woohoo! Just like beer pong, Garet found that rolling down a hill was one of those things that drunken idiots gain surprising skills at. He launched off the ramp and into the pool, quickly sinking to the bottom. Uh-oh. He flailed about wildly, trying to swim. Wait, hadn't that announcer guy said something about… keys? He gazed around at the bottom of the pool. Nope, only shiny metal stuff. Beer cans, probably. He couldn't see too clearly, but he knew they were empty. They were too flat… some frat boy had probably crushed them on his forehead. Oh well. He'd get more booze later. Maybe tomorrow. Garet yawned… he sure was tired.

Oh, wait. He was also underwater. Water filled Garet's lungs, and lack of oxygen soon shut down his already-addled brain. Too bad.

Isaac shot off the ramp next… overshooting the pool and landing atop the platform upon which stood the show's host. Not too keen on being blown up himself, Kraden frantically stomped on the wick, putting out the fire.

Ivan and Piers rolled off the ramp slowly, with too little momentum to fly into the tank. "Aww, Piersy, we missed the water," complained Ivan. "After this, you wanna try doing it in a hot tub?"

Piers' answer was cut off by Ivan's sudden explosion. He landed inside the tank atop Garet's corpse, soon followed by small bloody chunks of Ivan. Sighing in double relief – both from his survival and the fact that his stalker was deceased at last – Piers reached down for the keys. Swiping one off the bottom of the pool, he unlocked his costume and floated to the surface.

Ivan's severed head awaited him, bobbing in the water. "Don't… worry…" it choked. "I… can still… give head…"

Piers held Ivan's head underwater until it stopped moving.

"Double death!" cried the announcer to cheers from the crowd. "Since only blue team get key, blue team win prize! Free copy of Brokeback Mountain on DVD!" Piers fainted from horror.

"That's all for today," announced Kraden. "Tune in tomorrow for more Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!"

-SUPER HAPPY END OF SHOW!-

"If that little fag ends up here, I'm going to drop-kick him all the way to Limbo," snarled Saturos. "He went all the way back inside Venus Lighthouse to retrieve my corpse for a porno film."

"Hey, Weekend at Prox got great reviews," pointed out Agatio. "The critics said it redefined the whole genre of necrobukakke."

"Don't remind me…" said Saturos, shivering.

"How can you shiver in Hell?" asked Sheba curiously.

"Eh, I'm sitting under an air conditioner," replied Saturos, gesturing to an immense block of ice into which were frozen the shades of those condemned to Cocytus. "You're welcome to sit next to me if you want… hmmhmm."

"I wanna!" yelled Ivan, jumping into the air and landing next to Saturos. "Hey, is this Hell? I hear everyone's up for a good sodomizing here!"

"It's going to be a long eternity…" sighed Saturos, scooting away from Ivan. "Hey, kid, stay away from me. I mean it."

…

"Three are dead as the first day ends. Is it time to inform the audience?"

"I would say so, yes. But the contestants mustn't know until the very end."

"Very well."

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

"Alright, I understand how Ivan got here, but why are you in Hell, Garet?" asked Saturos. "Well, besides killing us." 

"Eh, it's part of God's plan to get tough on drugs," replied Garet, injecting a whitish substance into his left arm. "Did you know that three-quarters of all those incarcerated in Hell are here on drug-related charges? That's… that's a crime, man. The system really needs to change, need to stop telling people what to do…" He wobbled on his feet. "Ooh, a flying cookie!"

Garet collapsed face-first into the sofa, and didn't seem to notice that the pestilent locusts had begun to crawl into his ears and nose. As his head sank into the mass of insects, Agatio and Sheba scooted away from Garet's protruding body.

"With amazing new product, emit ray that cause ladies to manipulate your groin!" shrieked the television as obscene images flashed by. "But wait there more! Order now and receive free schoolgirl, import from North Korea! Only cost month's wages! Buy now with card credit or send bills in mail! If you send counterfeit bill, we tell schoolgirl shoot you in head!"

"Think they deliver to Hell?" asked Karst, suddenly interested. "Mmm, schoolgirl."

"Eh, sis, remember that we're trying to be on our best behavior," Menardi reminded her. "Cannibalism isn't going to help us win our case."

"Good point," sighed Karst.

"Will you two shut up? I wanna watch the show," said Saturos. "Look, the commercials just ended.

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!-

"Well, our team seems to be in one piece," remarked Mia. "I heard this next event is gonna be a battle or something. Two on three, we'll crush them."

"How'd you survive, anyway? I could've sworn you were thrown fifty feet into the air," said Jenna.

"Eh, I landed on my boobs," said Mia nonchalantly. "They absorbed the impact. Crushed a few small children, too."

Isaac had a very dirty thought but found himself unable to express it in words. He let his pants do the talking. "Mia! The patriarchal society is exploiting your physical form!" cried Jenna, noticing.

"Viewers are welcomed back to show!" screeched the announcer's voice over a loudspeaker. Suddenly the voice shorted out inside the arena, leaving the contestants in confusion, though the audience could still hear. And what they heard evoked many a gasp.

"They're going to kill them all?!" cried Ivan. "Piersy! We can be together forever!"

"No way…" said Saturos, his jaw dropping. "Menardi… can the Japanese truly accomplish what we failed to?"

"Apparently so," said Menardi, shaking her head. "Wait… they say there will also be one survivor, who will receive a book deal. Huh."

Back in the arena, the loudspeaker came back on. "For first challenge today, contestants must fight with small monster which come out of ball!"

"Like sperm or something?" asked Piers, confused.

"No, you dolt, I think he means testicular cancer," replied Felix. "If only I had that. It'd give me an excuse to castrate myself…"

"Each team get two ball!" continued the announcer. "Kill other teams' monsters! Team which lose get eaten! Good luckiness!"

A pair of small red-and-white balls fell from the ceiling in front of the teams, which stood at opposite ends of the arena. "Fight is begin!" yelled the announcer.

Mia warily picked up one of the balls. "I, uh… choose this one!" she yelled, tossing it into the middle of the arena. In a blinding flash of light, a small yellowish rodent popped out.

"Pika?" asked the rodent, only seconds before Piers' thrown ball clonked it on the head and fractured its skull.

"Good thing my pitching arm is intact," said Piers with a grin. The ball he'd thrown opened up atop the rodent's corpse, revealing a strange fishlike blue creature.

Jenna took out her handy laptop computer and pointed it at the monster. "Mudkip," beeped the computer. "I have herd that people on the internet often liek this pokemon."

"Hey, that gives me an idea!" exclaimed Mia brightly. "Isaac, let's mudship!" So they did, in full view of the cameras.

"Damnit, Mia, he's exploiting you! A real man would let the woman be on top!" cried Jenna. "Come on, fight for your liberation!"

The beast advanced steadily towards Jenna, who sighed and hurled another one of the balls at it. With a flash, a large and imposing dragon stood in front of the fish-creature, which took one look at it and began trembling in horror. The dragon stepped on it, spraying reddish goo everywhere.

Suddenly, the dragon began glowing, and expanded in size, tearing through the roof of the arena. "Congratulation! Your Dragonite have evolve into Godzilla!" roared the announcer to cheers from the crowd.

"Aaaand we're boned," said Felix. "Just like everything else in life, I have failed at the art of combat…"

"Don't give up yet! We still have one more pokemon!" cried Piers, tossing the last pokeball. It landed at Godzilla's feet, and in a burst of light, an innocent Japanese schoolgirl appeared. "Damnit. We're boned."

Godzilla gazed downwards at his challenger and blinked a couple of times. The schoolgirl just smiled and waved cutely. Wiggling his big toe, Godzilla flicked her aside onto the ground, where she landed in a heap. A slow-motion replay of the event came up onscreen, with the camera angled at her skirt to catch a number of panty shots. The audience cheered. "HA…" laughed Godzilla, its voice booming throughout the arena. "HA… HA… HA… erk!"

Sadly for Godzilla, the laws of physics precluded any creature that size for surviving long. Since weight increases geometrically as size (and muscle strength) increase linearly, the movement of the diaphragm needed for Godzilla to laugh was enough to break his spine. His broken and twisted torso fell to the ground, crushing a nearby building and killing thousands.

"And Pier and Flix have win!" cried the announcer. "Now other team have one member get eat by pokemon!"

"How is that even possi-" asked Jenna as the schoolgirl quickly climbed to her feet, dislocated her jaw, and swallowed Jenna whole. The crowd went wild.

"Team have win free massage with happy ending from schoolgirl!" yelled the announcer. "Stay tune for next elimination round!"

-SUPER HAPPY COMMERCIAL BREAK!-

"Is it right to get a massage from a girl who just ate your sister…?" wondered Saturos.

"You did the exact same thing six years ago," said Karst with a grin. "Want another?"

"So it was you!" roared Saturos. "I always suspected you, Karst!" He grabbed a nearby lead pipe and moved to strike her… but suddenly blinked a few times. "Er, thanks. I just remember that I never liked my sister."

"You weren't so great of a sibling either!" yelled his sister from inside the giant block of ice.

"Hey, womyn and men," said Jenna, wandering into the room. "Damnit, you won't believe how sexist the powers-that-be are. They're not very tolerant of feminism. At least I got eaten by a girl, not one of the males who have been metaphorically feeding off of womyns' accomplishm-"

Saturos struck her in the back of the head with the lead pipe, knocking her out. "Shut up, bitch," he said. "Come on, guys. Let's go get some nachos before she wakes up. Hopefully the show will be back on."

"Bring me some!" came Garet's muffled voice from inside the couch. "I'd come, but I think the locusts ate my face…"

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

"…new, improve Vitamin N!" screeched the man on TV. "Use for centuries by real ninja, this vitamin make your cell radioactive!" On screen, appallingly bad special effects showed a ninja hurling a ball of energy at a crowd of blind orphan children. "With super radiation beam, your life fun! Only nine thousand yen for bottle of Vitamin N! We not responsible for cancer of organ!" 

"Eh, who cares about cancer?" asked Sheba. "I'm already dead. Hey, Saturos, do those nachos have Vitamin N in them?"

"You kidding? Nachos don't got anything healthy," he said, scooping up a glob of cheese from the side of the Bucket O' Nachos. He bit into something hard… "Ouch. They do have assorted bone fragments from suicide bombers, though."

"Why bomb anything…?" wondered Garet aloud. "We should, like, live in peace and shit. Totally." His skeletal jaws wrapped tightly around his bong, Garet didn't seem to notice that the locusts had stripped his head of flesh.

"Why does he get a bong?" complained Ivan. "I thought God was trying to get tough on drugs?"

"It's simple," explained Karst. "Giving Garet a bong but making it cause him grievous harm – in this case, the drugs causing his face to get eaten off by locusts – fits in with the Dantean concept of Hell as the logical extension of one's freely chosen sinful lifestyle. Ivan, I'd imagine that your sodomy-"

"Philosophy majors need to die," complained Agatio, smacking her over the head with an empty Bucket O' Nachos. Several bone shards stuck in her hair, held fast by greasy cheese. "Look, you almost made us miss the beginning of the next round."

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!-

"Eew, tentacles," complained Mia. "I had enough of those back when we fought the Kraken."

"Well, you did serve as a distraction," wrote Isaac on a nearby chalkboard. "All the Japanese film crews got in the way as it was removing your undergarments, and Garet managed to stab it from behind."

"Don't remind me," said Mia, shuddering.

"Welcome back, gentlelady and men!" yelled the announcer. "For this round, contestants placed in schoolgirl uniform and made run through maze fill with tentacle demons! First team to reach center is win! Other team get horribly violate!"

Felix slapped Piers several times, trying to bring him out of his state of catatonic fear. The thought of the tentacle demons had awakened within him memories of Ivan's "Tentacle-o-Matic" and the terrible acts he had subjected Piers to. "Come on, Piers. I know we all want to die, but there are much better ways than being violated to death by tentacle beasts…"

"Ready… Setted… Contestants are go!" yelled the announcer, and the Adepts rushed into the maze. Almost immediately the road forked, and the contestants could hear the roars of the tentacle demons from both directions.

"Do you want to go left?" asked Mia. Isaac shook his head. "Then should we go right?" He shook his head again. "Do you want to go left?" The dialog repeated itself until several lust-crazed tentacle demons ran down the hallway, tore the schoolgirl uniforms off of Isaac and Mia, and proceeded to perform unspeakable acts upon them in full view of the cameras.

Meanwhile, Piers and Felix fled towards the center of the maze. Running at breakneck speeds, the walls of the maze seemed to whiz by them, and even the odd wrong turn didn't seem to slow them down… strangely enough, they didn't encounter any monsters. "Looks like the tentacle demons got Isaac's team!" said Piers. "We're safe, Felix! We're… where the hell are we?"

The two of them looked around, perplexed. This surely wasn't part of the maze. Something about the passed-out heroin junkies, the shady-looking women in fishnets, and the general griminess of the alley they stood in indicated that they'd gotten lost. "Wow. I think we took a wrong turn and ended up in Detroit …" said Felix.

"Woohoo! Detroit!" yelled Garet at the TV screen. "Hey, Felix, buy me some drugs while you're there! I've only got a few eighths left!"

"He can't hear you, dumbass," scolded Jenna. "And even if he could, I doubt he'll die. The stereotype of Detroit as a violent place is an outright lie perpetrated by right-wing interests who despise minorities and seek to-" Mercifully, Agatio silenced her with the Bucket O' Nachos.

"Hey, you! Brown-hair man!" yelled an immensely obese Asian woman, standing on a street corner. "Sucky-sucky, twenty dollar!"

"Um… I'll pass," Felix told her. "Piers, we have to work on getting back into the maze. Can you remember how we got here?"

"Sucky-sucky!" cried the woman, waddling up to Felix. He tried to slowly back away from her, but soon was up against the wall. "Only twenty dollar!"

"Just pay the hooker…" sighed Piers. "Get her off our backs while we search for the entrance." Felix reluctantly pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the woman. Grinning with delight, she opened her jaw and gripped Felix's leg. As she began sucking on it, her unfortunate summer allergies kicked in. In one massive inhalation in preparation for a sneeze, Felix was bodily sucked inside her. When the sneeze finally came, a skull and assorted bones issued forth from her nose. The woman burped, looked around confusedly, then pocketed the twenty and waddled off.

"Told ya," laughed Garet. Jenna was still struggling to remove the bucket from her head.

Meanwhile, the tentacle demons finished showing reruns of _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ to Isaac and Mia. "So, whaddaya think?" asked the leader of the beasts.

"Unspeakable," shuddered Mia. Isaac nodded in agreement. "But was tearing off our uniforms really necessary?"

"Nah," said the demon, and they all enjoyed a hearty chuckle. Then Mia killed them with a salad fork.

"Hey, guys. Looks like I finally died," said Felix gloomily as he walked into the room. "But now that I'm dead, it's like – whoa! There's more pain and suffering!" He sat on the couch next to Sheba. "Should I be worried that these locusts are eating my bum?"

"Ah, you get used to it after a while," Agatio told him. "Try to think happier thoughts. Look, they're doing a slow-mo replay of that hooker coughing up your skull."

Less than five minutes later, Isaac and Mia had reached the maze's center while Piers was still trying to make travel reservations back to Japan. "And red team is win!" yelled the announcer over the roar of the crowd. "Prize is free sucky-sucky from lady with infection of mouth! Next round may be last on Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!"

-SUPER HAPPY COMMERCIAL BREAK!-

"I'm gonna go check out the emo scene down here," said Felix. "Yell for me when the show's back on."

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

"You single parent? Your life suck?" asked the man on TV. "We send man to kidnap baby and feed to obese Scottish person! No more parent! You single and free! Only three easy payments of…" 

"Felix, why'd you end up here?" asked Karst as she gently stroked his back. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. We need another hot ass down here."

"I resent that!" yelled Babi from across the room, who sat with his buttocks eternally strapped to a plate of red-hot iron.

"Well… I'm an emo," said Felix. "As such, nobody wants to hang around with me, not even God. This fits right in with the concept of Hell as eternal separation from-"

"Aww, jeez, not another philosophy major," yelled Agatio as he bodily hurled Ivan at the two. Felix and Karst ducked out of the way, and Ivan landed head-first on the locust couch. The vicious insects quickly began gnawing away at his face. "You two deserve each other. Go make a retarded baby or something and let the rest of us watch the show in peace."

"I'll have you know I actually graduated, thank you very much," snarled Karst. "Unlike you, Mr. 1.5 GPA."

"I was gettin' laid too much to study," laughed Agatio. "What can I say? Bitches love me." Looking around for a suitable 'bitch,' his eyes settled on Jenna. "C'mere, baby."

"Owweee," commented Saturos, his eyes widening at the spray of blood and bone shards. "Damn, Jenna, where'd you learn to do that?"

"Feminist boot camp," she answered, wiping Agatio's brains off her combat fatigues. "Man… he got my hair all bloody again. Stupid oppressive patriarchy."

"Yes, yes, it's all well and good," said Menardi dismissively. "But we can overthrow the patriarchy later. Look, the show's back on."

-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!-

Kraden looked positively radiant today, Isaac noticed. That smile… that cape… that monocle… it was almost the sort of expression worn by a supervillain who is about to unfurl his dastardly plan. Ah, good old Kraden. Such a happy man. May he enjoy a long and healthy life, Isaac thought.

"This is the last round, right?" asked Mia. Isaac nodded. "Phew. I wonder what they're going to have us do this time?"

The two of them stood at one end of an arena, the same coliseum-style arrangement which had so recently housed the disastrous "prairie dog round." The janitors had made a valiant effort to hose off Sheba's blood and fill the holes with cement, but sadly they'd used a bit too much and created several hills. The arena's terrain was still fairly rough. Some sort of dirt bike racing, thought Isaac? He could win at that…

"Gentle man, lady, and others!" cried the announcer. "This is moment which all wait for! We reveal truth to contestant! Most Exalted Host Kraden do honors!"

"Mwahahaha!" laughed Kraden, with a flourish of his cape. Isaac, Mia, and Piers tried to stifle laughter. He could be such a kidder at times. "Ah, pitiful Adepts… you have still not figured it out?" They looked at him with puzzled expressions… "From the start, I intended that you perish here!"

"What?!" cried Piers. "Why?!"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Kraden. "You stole the spotlight from ME – Weyard's true hero! All along, it was my work that kept you on your quest… that led to Weyard's salvation… and then after Mia slept with Camelot's Board of Directors, I was portrayed in the game as an annoying geezer. You, Adepts, have humiliated me in front of the world… but now comes my revenge!"

"So you're going to kill us all off?" asked Mia. "What purpose will that serve, besides satisfying your primitive lust for vengeance?!"

"Isn't it obvious? With none of their old heroes to draw upon – well, one of them, but a single character does not an RPG make – Camelot will be forced to find a new champion of justice for their next game!" laughed Kraden maniacally. "My crack team of programmers has already sent them the source code for Kraden Kwest 2000! It's too brilliant, if I do say so myself!"

"…?" asked Isaac. "… …" He looked Kraden in the eyes… "…! …?"

For a moment the madman seemed taken aback. "No," he said finally. "This wasn't all my idea. A generic mysterious archvillain talked to me behind the scenes. I didn't give it a second thought – he promised me all I ever wanted, and more!"

Kraden gazed at them, madness dancing in his eyes. "Now, fools – kill each other! The last Adept standing is the winner of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!"

Isaac frantically tried to pantomime an idea to Mia, holding up two fingers and then passing his finger across his throat. "Two words," she said. "Cut… throat? No, that's the first word? Execute? Trachea? Oh, kill!" Isaac nodded. "Kill… who?" Isaac pantomimed a sailboat sailing into port. "Wharf… dock… pier! That's it!" Isaac gave her a thumbs-up. "Kill… Piers? Aww… but I don't want to…"

Meanwhile, Piers had snuck up on the two of them, and bashed Isaac's skull in with a mace.

"Nooooo!" cried Mia. "Piers, what have you done?!"

"This is war, Mia," Piers told her coldly. "Well… more accurately, it's a battle. A royal battle of some sort. A battle royale, or something like that. Whatever."

He advanced on her, brandishing his mace. Mia could do little but gaze in horror at the shattered remains of her one true love… and reflect in terror at her impending doom…

"What is-a taking so long-a, Kraden?" asked a suspiciously squeaky voice with a thick Italian accent. "I thought-a we had a deal-a."

A short man dressed in overalls with a fruity red hat on his head, riding high atop a small dinosaur, leapt from the rafters above, landing in the center of the arena. "M-master Mario!" cried Kraden, taken aback. "They… they were just about to…"

"No more-a excuses!" roared the midget. "I have-a used you for all I need-a! Ciao, Kraden!" The fireball that burst forth from his hand erupted around Kraden, charring him to the bone. A terrible, squeaky laugh emanated from deep within the strange Italian man…

"A Mars Adept!" cried Mia in shock.

"No, it's a me-a, Mario!" laughed the man.

"No, I'm Piers," said Piers. "And I'm perfectly aware that that's Mia."

"I'm Mario, you dolt," snapped the man, breaking out of his accent. "Do you know who I am?!"

"Oh yeah," said Mia. "You're that Nintendo character. Camelot has been making a bunch of crappy sports games starring you and your friends, right?"

"Correct," sneered Mario. "It should be obvious, at this point, as to why I want you dead."

Piers and Mia just stared blankly at the strange man.

"Idiots, Camelot has secretly been working on a Golden Sun Three for the Nintendo Wii," snarled Mario. "And, as such, they've put Mario Professional Wrestling Raw on the back burner. I need that game to get produced! It will be the perfect opportunity to grope that luscious Bowser! I figure that if I kill you, there will never be a third Golden Sun game…"

"Why are you letting one of us live, then?" asked Mia.

"Every tragic incident needs a victim to speak out to the media," laughed Mario. "Besides, I expect you'll publish your memoirs before fading out as a D-list celebrity, and my publishing associates stand to turn a tidy profit. Mwahahaha!"

"That's your evil plan?" asked Piers incredulously. "_That_'s why everyone died?!"

"I've seen better evil schemes in fanfiction," giggled Mia mockingly. "Mario, you must be really pathetic."

"Pathetic? I have killed six of the original eight!" roared the midget. "Now, one more death and my plan will be complete! Yoshi… do your worst!"

Piers tried to scream as the dinosaur grabbed him with its tongue, but he was dragged down its gullet too quickly.

"Now, Mia… you are the winner of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme," Mario told her. "To the victor goes the iPod. But the true victory is mine." He handed Mia a small rectangular object.

"Hey, isn't this the new iPhone?" asked Mia, momentarily forgetting about the situation. Mario nodded. "Sweet!" She swiftly dialed a number.

"Eh, what are you doing?" asked Mario.

"I think you'll find out," said Mia with a grin.

…

No one, particularly not the audience of that ill-fated show, could ever forget the news headline the next day. "Paris Hilton Killed in Tragic Orgy Mishap." Mostly they were angry that they had been too busy watching the show to witness this vital news event.

But buried somewhere on the back pages of a few bush-league newspapers was the full account of what had transpired on Super Happy FunTime Xtreme. After a valiant battle, international Mob boss Mario 'The Shroom' had been captured by riot police and transferred to a maximum-security holding cell in an undisclosed nation. Authorities credited the miraculous capture to a young woman with, according to Police Chief Rodney Munch, "simply enormous hooters."

Initial reports were sketchy, but the incident appeared to have connections to a small Japanese software firm. Authorities were also investigating the deaths of seven individuals on a local game show, although such investigations were abruptly cut off when all seven were discovered to be alive and well. Local sources credited the resurrection to any number of things, from UFOs to special effects technology to the Second Coming of Christ. Sadly for conspiracy buffs, it was later revealed that at the time Jesus was busy giving a sermon in Chicago. UFOs, however, remained a distinct possibility.

What footage existed of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme was distributed across the Internet, but was sadly forgotten thanks to the soaring popularity of the new Paris Hilton tape. Nowadays it can only be found on scuzzy websites, in fragments with names like "Ivan snuff video.mpeg." Eventually, everyone simply forgot the show had ever existed.

…

"So, Mia, how'd you pull it off?" wrote Isaac on a portable chalkboard. The group sat at a small sidewalk café in France, surrounded by a crowd of admirers. The groupies were always the best part of the publicity tours, thought Isaac, and considering the immense popularity of their third game, the crowds had reached record highs. "Seriously. I thought we were all goners."

"It was simple," laughed Mia. "I called up Camelot and told them I had a great idea for a game. They loved my design for Super Mario Brothers: The Vengeance so much that they actually sent in a SWAT team to see if Mario could handle it. Camelot didn't know he was a mob boss, but the police sure did!"

"How did you know?" asked Piers.

"Ah, it was the accent that tipped me off," Mia told her. "Guys who can easily switch in and out of a faux Italian accent are always from the Mob. Always."

"It looks like stereotypes saved the day," said Sheba. "But, Mia, how are we all alive?"

"You didn't figure that one out?" asked Mia. "I just slept with Camelot's programmers again. They're all very lonely men. I had them change all of your 'isDead' boolean variables to 'false.'"

"Such a liberated woman…" gasped Jenna in awe. "Exploiting men like that… you, Mia, are my idol."

"Thanks," giggled Mia, blushing slightly.

"Hey, whatever happened to Kraden?" asked Saturos. "Did he get revived too?"

"Every game needs a villain," said Mia. "They're keeping that particular spoiler from us, but I guess we'll see in time."

"Good old Kraden," said Felix. "Maybe he'll come up with a better plan this time. Something that doesn't involve Japanese gameshows."

"Kraden? Actually contribute something useful to a game?" asked Piers. "When pigs fly!"

The group enjoyed a hearty chuckle, unaware of the old man watching them from the crowd. Sighing, Kraden had to concede defeat. Golden Sun, Book Three looked like it would be a smashing success, the beginning of a long and prosperous game series. Perhaps he could sell Kraden Kwest to a small, independent publisher. If he marketed it well enough, it could become a series of its own. Then, in some distant generation of Smash Bros., he could finally go head-to-head with those cursed children. At last, victory would be his. Someday…

The End


End file.
